WASHINGTON, D.C. — Acting FEMA Administrator David Richardson announced Thursday that the Federal Emergency Management Agency will no longer provide disaster relief for so-called "acts of God."

Speaking at a press briefing at FEMA headquarters, Richardson stated: “If the good Lord sees fit to send a flood or hurricane or even a plague of locusts, it’s not our place to second-guess the Almighty.”

Washington, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump announced today that his administration will implement a ban on U.S. citizens permanently relocating to live overseas. The surprise policy declaration marks one of the most sweeping peacetime restrictions on the movement of American citizens in modern history.

“We are putting America first — truly first,” Trump said. “No more taking what you’ve earned in the greatest country on Earth and handing it over to foreign lands. If you live here, you stay here, and you help rebuild this nation.”

Washington, D.C. — At least four White House staffers were quietly dismissed this week after it was discovered they had been using the AI tool ChatGPT to compose required weekly memos highlighting the successes of President Donald J. Trump’s administration, according to multiple sources familiar with the matter.

The firings, which have not yet been publicly acknowledged by the White House, stemmed from an internal review that found language and phrasings in the reports nearly identical to outputs generated by OpenAI’s ChatGPT. 

Washington, D.C. — Millions of Americans expecting their IRS tax refunds this June are facing fresh uncertainty after the entire department responsible for issuing refund checks—the IRS’s “Checks and Balances” division—was abruptly disbanded by the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), led by Elon Musk.

Tallahassee - Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has issued an executive order directing all state buildings to fly a plain white flag above the Florida state and U.S. national flags throughout the month of June in honor of Pride Month.

San Francisco - On Friday morning, a United Airlines flight preparing for takeoff reportedly came dangerously close to colliding with a Southwest Airlines jet at San Francisco International Airport (SFO). Early investigations suggest that the near-miss may have been caused by an extraordinary distraction in the cockpit — a flight attendant allegedly under the influence of drugs, dancing nude.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Elon Musk revealed the origin of a visible black eye, attributing the injury to Hunter Biden following what he described as an “all-night bender.”

“We had sort of an all-night bender,” Musk said candidly in response to a reporter’s question about the conspicuous bruise beneath his left eye. “Hunter gave it to me. Don't remember quite when or how,” he added with a shrug, appearing to downplay the incident as the consequence of a wild night rather than a serious altercation.