Education

Columbia, South Carolina – In a peculiar twist of fate, the missing research monkeys from the Alpha Genesis facility in Yemassee were found in the English Department of the University of South Carolina, surrounded by half-finished versions of Shakespeare’s Sonnet 73. The incident has puzzled both researchers and academics alike.

Washington, DC - The D.C. Board of Education announced today that Thomson Elementary School, located just blocks from the White House, will be relocated to a new site within the city. The move is being made to accommodate changes to the presidential residence, following the re-entry of former President Donald Trump into the White House after a recent court ruling.

Atlanta - In the wake of a tragic school shooting that has left the community reeling, Georgia Governor Brian Kemp has issued a controversial statement that has sparked a national debate on public safety and gun control.

NEW HAVEN, CT - Yale University, one of the oldest and most esteemed institutions of higher education in the United States, has elected its first female president, Maya Brady, a superstar not only in academia but also on the softball field at UCLA.

NEW YORK - Columbia University has cancelled all classes and campus activities for the remainder of the week after a series of disruptive protests and occupations by students and environmental activists marking Earth Day.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - In a show of strong bipartisan support, the House of Representatives voted 332-91 today to approve a $47 billion aid package aimed at providing humanitarian assistance and military aid to the embattled people of Ukraine, Gaza, and Columbia University.

New York, NY - Columbia University President Nemat (Minouche) Shafik has been removed from the jury in the ongoing trial involving former President Donald Trump. The decision was made over concerns that her identity might be made public, potentially compromising her safety and the integrity of the trial.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken announced today that Ukraine will be welcomed as the newest member of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO). The decision, Blinken stated, was largely influenced by Ukraine's outstanding academic performance, particularly its impressive SAT score of 1280.

Montgomery, Alabama – In a controversial move, Alabama Governor Kay Ivey has signed a bill that prohibits diversity in public schools and universities. The bill, known as SB129, has sparked heated debates and drawn attention to the state’s stance on education and social progress.

The newly enacted law, referred to as the “difficult concepts” bill, aims to curtail diversity within educational institutions. Here are the key provisions:

Washington, D.C. — In a stumbling press conference today, President Joe Biden apparently forgot the main subject.

“I am proud to announce that my administrative is set to forget, uh, forget, and I don't wanna, I don't wanna, let me be, choose my words,” began Biden, 81.

At that point a staffmember whispered to the commander-in-chief:

“Yes, I'm sorry,” he continued. “We are forgetting student debt for millions of young Americans. Which is not at all like forgetting where you left your keys!” he joked.